"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be WoNdErFuL!"

Gavin,

I sit here today writing to you never hoping I'd be here... Less than two weeks from the divorce being finalized. This nightmare finally over however this starts a new possibly more difficult chapter in our lives. I want to tell you something, my beautiful...funny...loving..sweet and all around amazing boy...

I NEVER WANTED THIS FOR YOU!

I never wanted to make you share your time between your parents.

I never hoped this for you.

NEVER!

NEVER!!

NEVER!!!

Even though I never wanted these things to be reality I realized how necessary they were for me, and you. So I had to do the hard thing the thing I sometimes wonder was the right choice.  But I know I'm a better momma, I'm a better person, I'm a healthier soul.

It was for you,

 and it was for me...

In hopes of a emotionally healthier life!

I hope one day you can see that! I have faith that you will!

I wanted your parents together..

I wanted you to have the parents that stuck together.

However I couldn't provide that for you.

For that I'm SO sorry.

So, to the quote at the top.... "Life doesn't have to be perfect  to be wonderful"

There's a lesson in this heartache.... NO one's life is perfect! SO...what will you choose to do with this heartache? Will you choose to embrace the pain and make it your crutch for why things are so terrible? or will you tell yourself you will make life wonderful through the pain? Will you allow yourself to be a victim? or will you rise above and say to yourself  "I may not have gotten exactly what I needed from my parents, or hoped for when it comes to their relationship, but I know I was loved, I know both my parents wanted me, I know they tried their best to show me that" and move FORWARD without looking back!?

Please PLEASE choose the second choice... I pray you choose moving FORWARD instead of looking backwards....

Make your life simply wonderful by the people you surround yourself with, by the choices you make EVERY DAY, choose to love and not hate, choose to try new wonderful foods. CHOOSE JESUS and not EVIL. CHOOSE PEACE not STRIFE! ChOoSe GoOd never looking to the terrible. Choose to smile when you feel like frowning. Choose outside instead of T.V... choose difficult instead of easy. make something with your hands and imaginiation instead of not seeing the possibilities because you are stuck in front of a screen.

You have the choices, you choose...

Whatever you choose,

I will be here.

I will love you...

even if that love is

tough love.

I will be here,

I will love you...

even if that love is in

silent prayer.

I will be here

I will love you

Even when that means

LaUgHtEr

sMiLeS

and silly

humor.

I will be here..

I will love you forever

and I'll never let you go!

<3 always,

Mom

Lord...Please make the fear go away!

Gavin,

 

I have noticed lately that you have a lot more fear of being alone. You have been afraid to go to the bathroom, fall asleep, and even go in the next room (where I can still see you and you can see me) with out someone. I pray that the Lord meet you where you are because I am not sure how to deal with this. I get frustrated because it seems so silly to me. However I can totally relate because I had a lot of fear when I was younger. Fear for me was spiritual and not until I was older, maybe in elementry school. I pray that me leaving your dad was not the root of this fear. I pray that if it is I can get you appropriate guidance to get out of this fear.

 

To be honest I feel like my divorce with your dad did have something to do with this fear. You were never like this before I left. And for that I totally feel like I failed you. I hate that. I pray that as you grow you will know that I left your dad in hope that I could be healthy for me as much as for you. Seriously... I did think about why I was leaving, I lemented over it and I weighed the pros and cons about it..... I knew if I didn't leave I wouldn't be the best mom I could be because I couldn't be the best ME that I could be.

 

I love you Gavin and everything I do, all the decisions I make have you in mind. I pray every day that my decisions in this matter will not harm you. I should rephrase that.... I pray every day that all the decisions I make will not harm you in any way. I pray that you will see how much I love you and really take into consideration the best for you, my son.

 

You are my world, I pray you feel that. I pray that you know I am not perfect and that you know I am striving to be the best mom I can be. I pray that the Lord take your fear away....but I also pray that He takes my fear away.... Fear that you will be angry with me because I chose what I chose... Fear that I am not doing things the best I can... I have so much Fear.......Fear is cripling... Hope is life giving.... I HOPE you can see my heart for you and my love for you. As much fear as I have I have the same amount of hope for you, for me, and for our future.

 

JeSuS gIvEs Me HoPe....ThE eNeMy GiVeS mE fEaR.....

 

I cHoOsE  hOpE!!!

 

 

 

Healing Begins

By 10th Ave North

 

"...So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

 

This is where the healing begins, ohThis is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

 

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear...

...So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

 

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"

 

 

 

Oh my a lot has happened!

Okay, so much has happened since the last time I posted (which was actually February not May.... I just had found the last post under drafts and noticed it wasn't posted).... Here's what has happened....

1. Mommy moved in with Grandma and Grandpa again... out of Daddy's house (Novemeber 2011). This was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.... I hope to explaine my actions to you in future posts. I believe you deserve an explination as to why I thought it would be better for you and me to no longer be with your dad anymore. First reason I can give you is...... I needed to be emotionally and phyiscally healthy... and with your dad I don't think it would be possible! You deserve a healthy mom, that was something I wasn't sure I could give you while I was with your dad. I pray everyday that this decision was best for you in the long run. I also pray every day that your Dad can get emotionally healthy the way he needs to.

2.Your Great Grandpa Salser passed away 3 days before Christmas 2011. He will be missed!

3. Mommy was hospitalized 3 times between January and February 2012.... see previous post.



On your first plane ride... you were so excited!



4.Your cousins  were born May 3, 2012... Colton Joseph Mach and Quinten Thomas Mach... In order to go see them you had your first plane ride... you had a blast! and may I say you were awesome and such a good listener!

Even though it was late you were still in a great mood when we arrived!



You with Quinn



Me with Colton







First time you showed me how you can write your name!

You are getting bigger every day You are 4 now!!

You have started writing letters and you even know how to write your name .

 I am so proud of you and every step you take towards learning and growing makes me smile so so so much.... Really to the point that my cheeks hurt!







Taken on your 4th  birthday! Where has the time gone?









I'm sure more has happened, but I think that is enough for now!

Always remember,

I'll love you forever

and I'll never let you go!

~Mommy











Just too funny!



Another Hospitalization

As I sit in my hospital bed watching the squiggly lines on the heart monitor go up and down I can't help but think of you. I have to tell you this entry is harder than the first one I did on this blog because I have finally realized my heart and lung condition can not be ignored, it won't let me ignore it any longer... You are almost four and I am sure you won't remember everything that has been going on so I'm going to tell you as best I can...

Thursday (Feb 2, 2012) I put you to bed around 8 pm as I normally do. I went into Grandpa's study where Grandma and Grandpa were laughing and carrying on about Grandma trying to exercise down on the floor and lifting her legs. Grandpa said I should get on the floor and show her how it is done... So I did a few leg lifts and went back to my room. I layed on my stomach on my bed and started to text friends... I coughed and up came blood... I preceded to cough blood up for a good 40 min. Your grandpa and grandma took me to the ER (this had never happened before and we were all a bit scared). They did a lot of tests and did see a patch in my right lung that was "cloudy" which is medicine term for fluid. They diagnosed me with pneumonia and started me on IV antibiotics. by Saturday evening I had been on antibiotics for a day and a half. Sunday morning the doctors took me off the antibiotics saying that I wasn't showing any sign of infection. And that they want to take a camera down into my lungs to see if they can find the source of the bleeding, and try to stop it by burning it. SO, this is where I sit, waiting for this precedure... it's Super Bowl Sunday and I can't be with family or friends because I am here... I am almost okay with that.. I'd rather know I am getting the best care I can so I can be at home with you.  I'm scared though, that my lungs are getting worse.. that on top of congestive heart failure I will have to deal with coughing up blood from time to time (because apparently that is something that happens with  the lung condition that I have.) I really don't want to have my conditions get worse because I don't want to leave you sooner than I should have to.
I am honestly so so scared that I won't be able to see you grow up. I worry that if I am not here to watch you grow up you may never know my desires and prayers for your life. I am so scared... I can not leave you before you are old enough to be on your own.. it is just not an option.

Several days later...
They refused to do the procedure and sent me home saying I was too well to do the scope thing into my lungs. I hope that I can go home and back to normal life and don't have to come back to this hospital again...

Later in February I was having chest pains and coughing up blood from time to time.. I was having a worse time breathing and contacted Dr. Daniels about this. He told me to go to the hospital... So they did a direct admit (3rd time in two months that I have been here....I don't know how much longer I can do this...) I am frustrated and upset. I had to wish you goodbye last night because tonight Grandpa, Grandma, You and I were supposed to be going to VA for Natalie's baby shower. I had to make the very very hard decision that I should not go on the long car ride because it may make my conditions worse. SO I wished you and Grandpa and Grandma goodbye and told you I  would be getting better at the hospital while you had fun with Natalie and the rest of the family at her baby shower. You told me as I kissed you goodbye... "I love you mommy... You will get better!" <tear> I sure hope so Gavin... I really do!

This just sucks... It really flipping sucks.... I want to be with my family... not alone here in another hospital bed!!  SO FRUSTRATED and worried.
5 days later... I'm still in the hospital... I'm starting to get to know the staff here. I'm also scheduled for surgery to correct the fistula that was created after a heart catherization in 2004. This fistula apparently is connecting a major vein and artery and possibly could create my heart to weaken.... Hopefully this correction is the answer to all my symptoms.... I'm relieved to finally have some direction to a problem....

After my surgery the surgeon told me that the fistula was the biggest she had ever seen. She said it was shunting approximately 30% of my blood the wrong direction and would most definatly cause my heart and lungs to weaken. They are hopeful that this was the answer to fix all the other symptoms!!

I am hopeful!!

One last note... Through all of this I was angry with God... who wouldn't be... why do I, a 27 year old women with a beautiful 3 year old and so much ahead in this life have so many health issues and may never see her child graduate highschool, college, get married and have children? How is it fair?  Yes, I was angry... and but not doubtful that the Lord would come to my rescue.... He will eventually (wheather here or in Heaven) heal my body... And I will dance before the Lord's thone one day. Never have I doubted his great power... Never will I doubt that he is God or that he exists. I have been angry.... I think it is totally biblical to be angry....but it is never right to sin....curse God.... or say that there is no God because if there was why is this happening? I never doubt his goodness because He has always been there for me. And honestly..... He is the reason why I made it to this age and he is the reason I am your mommy! He is the reason I live..... ALWAYS! He gives me breath....every single heartbeat... and every day I deal with a health issue is one more day in my testamony... I hope I can share God's presence in my life with others in simular situations!

Please, no matter what... don't deny God his due faithfulness. If I am not here to see you graduate highschool, or college, or see you get married. Please do not turn your face from the Lord. I know you may not understand His ways...and it's totally okay to be angry with him sometimes. But Gavin, PLEASE do not turn away from him... He will guide you through this life... He is the best one to do so!! Please know I WILL see you in heaven as long as you believe Jesus is Lord and live for Him because you love him and give him your life.

I love you my son.... I hope you know that!

<3 momma <3





At one point I had 2 IV's and 1 A-line in me.... I was so sick of being poked and taped!




I got really bored in the hospital and decorated the glass of the other patient's doors..




Wicked bruise after surgery!



On Another Med, A Growing Family, & U Gotta Remember the "Festables"!!

The doctors put me on another medicine this week, one that helps my heart function, this fact bugs me...I am not sure why it bugs me so much...Maybe it's another thing to remember...maybe it's another sign that I am not as healthy as I like to think I am. I hate that I have to worry about these meds... and if I were the only one in my life I had to worry about I may not be as good as I am about taking them.
But you know what?? I have you and your dad to live for... I take the medicines 2x a day ( all 7 of them total) because I know they sustain my life... When I remember at night while I lay in bed that I forgot to take the last 2 pills it is the thought of you and your lovely energy that makes me get up and take them...SO I can have breath the next day... So I can run with you, because that is what I live for! Well... there is one more thing... I want to see Natie's twins grow up and you have two cousins you can play with... That's right Natie is pregnant (one would be glorious enough right?!) with twins (OH MY GOSH MAGNIFICENT!!!!!)

Isn't that exciting???? I know you have no idea what this means right now but I promise this is exciting! My cousins were the best things in life at times growing up... they were like my big protective brother <Andrew> my closest confidant <Emily> and the ones that would know just how weird that "weird uncle" really could be <Rachel and Ben>  to name a few awesome things that cousins can be. They can be better than siblings because you don't have to live with them <and in turn fight or get on each other's nerves> and better than friends because you can commiserate together about just how crazy this thing called family can be. YUP! My hope for you is that these two little beans become some of your closest friends and relatives!! 

Okay, so just one more thing to talk about....Something that makes me giggle every Saturday... Apparently it is now almost ritualistic that you spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa's house Friday night and Saturday Day we go to a "Festable"  yes that's right a "festable" what normal people would call a Festival... it doesn't really matter what it is just as long as it is outside and has a bounce house.....if they have hairspray that will color your amazingly blonde hair you are even more for it!! :-) CHECK THIS OUT....

Orange <currently your favorite color> and blue pokadotted hair!! We must have gone to 8 festivals this summer and fall...mostly in the fall! I think Grandma had just as much fun as you do at these events... but lets just say... Mommy is growing weary of standing near the entrance of a bounce house as you go in....bounce for 5 min and come out because the people tell you that you must take turns.....and 1 turn later you are back in it.... you do this over and over for as long as we let you...usually about 25 to 30 times.... It's fun to see you enjoy yourself...even if I should be doing some cleaning at home <that can always be done a different day!!>. 

Alright I think that's all I have for this round of random ramblings!!!!!

I love you Gavin, I'll love you forever and I'll never let you go!

~Mom, Mum, Mommy, Momma or whatever you want to call me! :-* 

You Are Perfect to Me!

Gavin,

I read these Lyrics and I related to them so much they reflect my feelings for you. 

I love you so much and hope that you never ever ever feel like your less than perfect in your parent's eyes.

I hope you always feel like 

Your mother loves you!

Your father loves you!

but most of all I hope you always know

you are a perfect blessing from God!

And we thank Him everyday

for you!

<3 Always,

Mom!!

P.S.~ if you read this and can get pink's music video for this song online, look up the clean version it will show you why I feel the way I do about this song! 

F**kin Perfect

By Pink

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!
You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!
You're perfect, you're perfect to me!

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfectPretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me!

There are No Words...

There are no words to explain my love for you!

There is only the twinkle in my eye.

Watching you grow,

Watching you learn,

Watching you play,

Do you see my pride in my eyes?

Do you see the love of your mother?

There are no words to explain my love.

There is only a kiss on your forehead,

A tight hug that takes your breath away!

You are my son, that's all you need to be.

I will love you forever!

Protect you in all ways.

Pray for you eternally.

 

There are no words to explain my love.

I hope you see my actions and know

You are my son,

You are my Pride and Joy,

You are Gavin!